The conflict of compliments
Compliments, or what we perceive as compliments, are a slippery slope. At first glance, they present as expressions of love and praise, masquerading as admiration for the recipient's life choices and character. It’s true that giving authentic compliments can be a powerful experience both for the giver and receiver, highlighting the unique beauty we each bring to the world and what we want for our own lives. But when the compliments we're receiving don't match what we're feeling on the inside, they tell a much different story.
I struggled with a dark period of depression during the summer before my senior year of college. I wasn't eating and I lost about 20 pounds. Upon returning to school in the fall, I received a slew of compliments about how "amazing" I looked. When I was asked how I lost so much weight, I felt really conflicted because my routine involved lying in bed, crying myself to sleep, and drinking/drugging a whole lot. The world was giving me lots of validation about how I looked, but my self-worth was at an all time low. The messaging was super confusing to me, and it distorted my ability to trust myself. In an effort to uphold what society told me was "worthy" (a thin white body), I struggled to keep the weight off so I could continue to please those around me. I was chasing approval and completely off center.
While well intentioned, compliments can send us into a tailspin because they make us question our internal reality. Compliments send the message that we're doing everything “right”, even though our bodies may be out of balance and our hearts are out of whack. When the compliments we send and receive reflect the values of oppressive systems like capitalism, the patriarchy, and white supremacy, it reinforces that we should be looking to those outside sources for self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love. We lose our footing and, over time, learn not to trust the things we're feeling.
Have you ever received a compliment that made you question yourself? This might look like receiving praise on a work project that required you to step outside your values, hearing that you and your partner are "couple goals" even though you feel utterly stuck in the relationship, or being lifted up for "muscling through" your PhD program despite that you feel burnt out and uninspired. The compliment might uphold a societal norm, like prioritizing work, staying in a marriage, or pursuing a degree, but they don't align with who we truly are. And we feel that disconnect in our bodies.
We can start to break down the illusion of compliments when we examine the two sides of ourselves, which Martha Beck, one of my favorite coaches and teachers, calls the essential self and the social self. Your essential self is the core of who you are, the you that was formed when you were born, stripped of conditioning and cultural expectations. Think of it as the inner compass that points us toward our true path. The social self is the part of you that wants to please others. It was developed in response to the pressures of people around you, including your family, community, religious leaders, and so on. Human babies are born helpless, depending on their caregivers for food, warmth, and safety, and for that reason, the need to please our parents (and then the rest of the world) is a mechanism we use to survive. Neither the essential self or social self is inherently right or wrong, and we need both selves in order to function in society. But we absolutely need to listen to our essential self in order to reimagine and pursue our purpose in life.
Compliments appeal to the social self because they send the message that we are doing a good job at keeping others happy. Compliments are processed as a social reward, reinforcing the behavior that got us the praise even if it doesn't align with what we want for ourselves. This often puts us in direct conflict with the essential self, moving us further away from our ideal life.
It takes work, but it is possible to rewire how the compliments we receive impact the choices we make and the lives we create. Coaching can be a powerful tool for creating and shifting this awareness. In my coaching practice, we work together to parse out the social self from the essential self, helping you to see where you’re doing things for approval versus doing things because they bring you actual joy and fulfillment. We dissolve the mirage that we're doing things "right" because it's getting us praise, and we see that the desire to receive compliments is (often) part of a never-ending approval loop that blocks us from ourselves. We slow down and tune into what we really want. Then we start to make decisions from the core of who we are, bringing us closer to a life that aligns with our values.
In our quest to reconnect to ourselves and move closer to our purpose, I propose a shift in how we think about compliments, both in terms of how we give and receive them.
First, let's reframe our compliments to celebrate people for doing things that are aligned with their essential selves, even if they aren't pleasing to the culture. Compliment your friends for leaving the relationship, loving their bodies, quitting law school, taking a sabbatical, and exploring their truest desires. Lift up your community for doing things that honor what their hearts and bodies want. Love on your people--wildly, fiercely, and recklessly--for simply trusting that they are enough.
Second, when we receive a compliment, take a second to notice how it lands in your body and how it lines up against your essential self. Pause long enough to know when you are receiving a compliment for something that doesn't align with your values and what you want for yourself. Create a tiny space of awareness so as to not let the praise and validation compromise your inner truth. Tune into the voice of your essential self and trust it without question.
Can we resist compliments that sacrifice our inner knowing?
Can we lean into compliments that nudge us toward our purpose?
This is deep internal work, but it has the power to change how we move through the world, what we opt into and what we opt out of. If you’re looking for someone to help you do this work, I’d love to support you. It is life changing stuff, and totally worthwhile. I’m here if (and when) you’re ready.
Nicole is coach, consultant, and entrepreneur living in the Pacific Northwest. She specializes in personal and professional coaching, small business & creative coaching, and strategic consulting.
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